| mmmmm..i think it's good that this is happening. i'm actually happy about this in a way.
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| so. it's a new year, and everyone allllways posts something about that and their resolutions and what not.
this time, i'm not making any resolutions. why? because i already know what i wanna and need to do. and even if i made a list of them, i know i'd never get them all done. that's just how life is until you really get determined and go for the goal. but i just wanna say..
on january 1, 2009 i visited my grandpa and great aunt's grave to pray and think about them. i never knew my grandpa (mom's dad) because he died of cancer when my mom was 18. so i can't say i miss him. but i dearly wish that i could see him and spend time with him to see what he was like because i know that he was a great person. and my great aunt, never really talked to her because she could only speak korean and she lived in la. but what hit me hard was when i was told that EVERY morning she would wake up and pray for every person in her family, including me. and it just amazes me how she did that because i can barely get myself to regularly spend time with God and pray for my family and close friends yet along EVERYONE in my extended family.
but the stone for my great aunt said some date - january 31, 2008. it's already been almost a year when it seems like her funeral was last week, no joke. and it made me realize how fast time goes by. everyone says it, but i'm just like yeah yeah good. and now i'm like, WOW. time seriously does just whip on by and i don't even have time to reflect on what i'm doing, why i'm doing it, what and why i believe in what i believe and so on. i'm just so busy all the time, whether it's with work or with friends, i just go through the motions. and believe what people say rather than making opinions on my own and stay trapped in my little bubble rather than being involved in what's happening in this world and trying to help others because my life is so good. HOW SELFISH of me. >:[
and this whole winter break, all i did was sleep, eat, hang out with friends. i read one book for tutor, i'm learning 100 vocab words right now, and reading a chapter for bio because i just got an email from my teacher suggesting it. but this break i got SO lazy and when i knew i had to do some work, i didn't. and i wasted time looking at pictures of facebook or watching tv when i could use that valuable time doing something productive. i hate school, cause i start tomorrow while everyone has a whole week left. but through this, i hope that i stop being lazy and get active. i guess that's my main goal this year.
i was too lazy to make a one million ways club that coulda seriously raised my chances for getting into good collges, i was too lazy to make time for band practice (not school band. like a band band) so we could get a concert on to help pakistan kids. i was too lazy to do anything but see my friends. and although i love each and every person i saw, i honestly think i wasted soooo much time no matter how busy i was this break.
i love the holidays. it's my favorite time of the year. but at the same time, i HATE the fact that it's so busy, filled with thoughts of just presents and shopping and stuffing our faces than with images of family and love and Jesus. it's just how the world is but i hate it. cause it sucked me in too, when i should have resisted.
OMG this is like SUPER long and SUPER intense. hahha i bet no one's gonna even read this. but yeahhhh, i need to make got the steering wheel in my life rather than a spare tire and go in whatever direction the wheel turns. amen.
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| I am thankful...for everyone that's a part of my life.
for everyone who's helped me through my troubles.
for everyone who's encouraged me.
for a family that loves and cares for me.
for a house to live in.
for clothes to wear.
for having a life with basically no hardships
for my best friends who i know i can always depend on.
for waking up this morning, and every morning.
most importantly, for Jesus dying on the cross for my sins. and yours !
BE THANKFUL.
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| the internet is the devil.
chocolate is the devil.
food is the devil.
school is the devil.
taylor swift is simply my medicine.
grapefruit juice is amaaaaaaaazing. 
and i love fresh n' easy granola bars 
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| I'm going through so much. Struggling so much, Lord.
I'm unsure of what to do. So tell me what to do, Lord.
I despise this stupid world. I need to trust in You more.
Why is it such a problem? why are people being blamed?
Why can't the people accept it and stop being so ashamed?
Just help us get through this, Lord. It's all I pray for now.
All my trust is in You. Trust in you to take this out.
-ner 012
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